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Hand grenades are tough to come by these days but don't you worry — starting a conversation with blame and accusation will do almost as much damage.Gottman can predict with 96 percent accuracy how an interaction will go just by listening to the tone of the first three minutes.Married couples and other pairs have fewer conflicts.
From If you could carefully observe and analyze those encounters — as my research colleagues and I have done — you would see how each one is made up of many smaller exchanges. Like cells of the body or bricks of a house, such exchanges are the primary components of emotional communication. So how much of what we say is really about the information? And their sending it might mean, "I care about you enough to send you stuff that interests you. " A co-worker might say, "We should hang out sometime." Here in Los Angeles this means, "I'd rather crawl naked across four miles of broken glass than ever see you again," but in civilized parts of the world it often means, "I think you're cool and want to spend more time with you. If you want to nurture a deeper emotional connection with somebody, turn toward that person as often as you can. This isn't just important for romantic relationships — it's the bedrock of all relationships.
Each exchange contains emotional information that can strengthen or weaken connections between people. "It's a beautiful day" doesn't convey valuable data. Turning toward means agreeing, supporting, or at least acknowledging the bid. From Children who habitually turn toward their playmates form friendships more easily.
From My research shows that habitually turning away can eventually destroy relationships.
Even if the bidder doesn't act hurt or angry at the moment his or her bid is rejected, there seems to be some internal mechanism that keeps score.
A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch — any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you." A response to a bid is just that — a positive or negative answer to somebody's request for emotional connection. Siblings who turn toward one another early on are more likely to stay close for life.